Samuel Wexler/Insights/Demystify the Ego

Demystify the Ego & Harmonize the Mind

What is not working in our relationship with our own minds, and what can be done about it.

I say I want to be present, then just ten seconds later I’m lost in thinking again. Why? Why do I feel more like a slave of my mind than its master? How can we properly integrate the mind to serve us?

The episodes The playlist on YouTube

Start here, 2:45. Should we just keep accepting inner and outer fragmentation as normal?

What I mean

The ego is not a spiritual topic. It’s a human one.

Many people talk about “the ego,” but how many are crystal clear about what they mean? It’s a universal human phenomenon, and our lack of understanding about it is causing us all tons of unnecessary suffering, on every level. So let’s ground a basic understanding of what it is and how it works, in clear language we can all understand.

The ego

We humans have the ability to conceptualize, imagine and think abstractly. These powerful abilities allow us to build mental models of everything, including ourselves. This conceptual model of self and reality is what I personally mean when I say the ego.

The core issue

We tend to confuse ourselves with our concept of self, and reality with our concept of reality. We confuse the map with the territory itself, rather than letting the map be the map, and the territory be the territory.

For everyone

We’re talking about the nature of our minds, how we tend to relate to them, and the confusion that relationship often generates. It doesn’t require belief in any ideology, dogma or mysticism to see as worthwhile.

If you pay close attention to your own experience, you can directly observe this. Test everything I point to against your own experience, and please let me know what does and does not line up.

The episodes

Watch in order, or start wherever you are.

From how the thinking mind works, to the traps it sets, to what actually helps. Each episode plays right where it is, and every chapter jumps straight to its moment.

  1. 0113:07 Inside compulsive thinking: a look under the hood

    Why are we constantly thinking? Why can’t we just turn it off? How the mind works, why it is always trying to map reality, and how we get trapped inside its low resolution models.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00The Under-Integrated Overworked Mind Problem (Compulsive Thinking)
    2. 1:00The Map Is Not the Territory (Mental Models vs Reality)
    3. 2:40The Mental Map of Self
    4. 3:06Staring at the Map vs Referencing It
    5. 4:41How Our Self-Story Creates Mental Prison (Beyond Limiting Self-Concepts)
    6. 5:47The Dance Between Knowing and Not Knowing (Paradoxical Synergy)
    7. 6:36Look Up from the Map (Just Knowing You Should Look Up Doesn't Work)
    8. 8:52Shifting Awareness from Thoughts to Reality
    9. 9:34When The Mind Realizes its Own Limits
    10. 10:57It's Not Irresponsible to let the Mind Relax
    11. 11:59Why Are We Addicted to Mental Control? (The Core Questions)
  2. 0220:51 What keeps us stuck in our heads?

    It’s not enough to know we’re lost in the mind. We need to do something about it, and that starts with understanding why.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00Why Are We Lost in the Mind?
    2. 1:00Conceptual Models of Reality
    3. 1:37Reality is Too Complex for Mind to Understand
    4. 2:27Your First Thoughts on Why & Pondering Violin Improv
    5. 3:43Two Main Factors for why we’re lost in the mind
    6. 4:24Bottleneck of Conscious Thought vs Flashes of Insight
    7. 6:17False Sense of Control & Security
    8. 7:44Harmonizing Various Motivations, Instincts, Feelings, Thoughts & Intuitions
    9. 8:40New Bio-Technology: The Conceptualizing Mind
    10. 9:42Non-Intellectual Forms of Intelligence
    11. 11:41Imagination & Visualization
    12. 12:19Scared of so many things….
    13. 13:57Dangerous Evolutionary Baggage
    14. 15:16Harmonizing Conflicting Motivations Through Awareness
    15. 16:27Confusing Self with Ego: The Mental Projection of Self
    16. 17:14What we can and cannot control: Serenity Prayer
    17. 18:51The Most Ironic Reason We Can’t Stop Thinking
  3. 0315:16 The ego’s cleverest trick, and how to spot it

    The very idea of leaving the ego is one of its most effective traps. The mind can turn even spiritual insight into just another belief.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00Wanting to Come Out of the Ego is Normal…and Dangerous!
    2. 1:18The Trap of the Ego: The Mind can build a Model of Anything
    3. 2:06Sketch: The Mind Loves the Guru's New Ideas!
    4. 3:37New Stage of Awareness= New Variation of the Ego Trap
    5. 4:42Who Wants to Come Out of the Ego? Who Really?
    6. 7:30Learning the Concept of Ego is Not Becoming Aware of the Ego
    7. 8:46The Concept of Awareness vs Real Awareness
    8. 9:47Disclaimer: This Topic is Huge…
    9. 10:36The Ironic Trap of Knowing You Don't Know
    10. 12:56Layers of Self-Deception
    11. 13:41It's Risky to Teach about the Ego
    12. 14:19How do We Know?
  4. 044:52 Most people confuse this for presence

    It’s easy to confuse thinking about presence with actually being present. A personal reflection on what helps me see the difference.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00How Do We Know if We're Really Present, or just Imagining?
    2. 1:13Side Step into the Heart
    3. 2:43New Feeling: No Step by Step
    4. 3:26You Know When It's Real. (You… not your mind)
  5. 058:39 Nothing in your life matters, unless you understand this

    Your relationship with your mind determines the quality of your inner experience in any circumstance, and it’s the key to co-creating the world we all really want to be a part of.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00The Key for Harmony Inside & Out
    2. 0:33Growth Then Collapse is Normal
    3. 1:11The Collective Mental Delusion
    4. 2:20Illusion of Self that Blinds us to Our Undeniable Interconnectedness
    5. 3:42How to Make Interconnectedness Obvious Beyond the Intellectual Level
    6. 4:24Do Daily Things Matter?
    7. 5:25Harmonizing Our Minds for both Internal and External Benefits
    8. 6:42What’s the most meaningful thing I can share right now?
  6. 0615:54 Just skip the inner battle

    The angel and the devil on your shoulder are both the ego wearing different masks. What if we could skip the drama and decide with a calm mind?

    Chapters
    1. 0:00Exhausting Mental Tug of War with Shoulder Angel and Demon
    2. 0:59Can We Skip This Drama and Just Make Decisions with a Calm Mind?
    3. 2:017 Things We Must See Clearly
    4. 2:59Why We Cannot Trust the Angel on Our Shoulder
    5. 4:16Inherited Maps of Good and Bad Differ Wildly
    6. 5:15The Shoulder Angel's Role in the Dark Reality of Ideological or Religious Extremism
    7. 7:05Who Can We Count on to Guide our Decisions?
    8. 8:49Is the Shoulder Angel Good for Nothing?
    9. 10:29Choosing Better Stories Vs. Letting Go of the Story
    10. 12:38Head-Heart Coherence and the Messenger of the Conscience
    11. 13:33How Do I Know the Conscience is Right???
    12. 14:28Is this what "Walking in Faith" Might Really Mean?
  7. 0710:49 Meditation’s true purpose is more valuable than relaxation

    Meditate to address the root cause, not the symptoms: to recognize who we truly are, before thoughts. Relaxation happens naturally as a byproduct.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00Meditation for Relaxation vs True Purpose
    2. 0:193 Keys Insights To Explore About Meditation
    3. 0:29Purpose of Meditation: Let's Go to the Root Cause
    4. 0:46Sink Drain Analogy
    5. 1:38Energy Drain of Maintaining Mental Character of Self (Ego) and Mental Model of Reality
    6. 2:26Harmonize The Mind
    7. 3:29Being Totally Lost in the Stream of Thoughts
    8. 4:30Why Meditating to Relax Doesn't Work (so well…)
    9. 5:35The Case for Relaxation Meditations (Steel man)
    10. 6:45Forget About "Doing it Wrong"
    11. 7:52Knowing the Purpose vs Feeling the Purpose, and the Big Catch
    12. 9:08Hyper-Intellectuals: Non-Intellectual Knowing: Don't Look at the Finger Look at the Moon
    13. 9:44If You're New to Meditation or Feel Confused
  8. 085:47 What AI reveals about the nature of our own minds

    AI music sounds like things we’ve already heard. The human mind also tends to get stuck in what it already knows.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00Could AI Music Generators Reflect Something about Our Minds?
    2. 0:17AI Music is starting to sounds the Same
    3. 0:29AI works through Imitation
    4. 0:55Stuck in the box of Knowing
    5. 1:23Arranging Sounds
    6. 2:12How to Break Out of the known
    7. 2:49Contemplating Paradoxes & Stretching Beliefs
    8. 3:37Dropping the Thinking Mind entirely for Inspiration
    9. 4:34The Trap of of the Known
  9. 097:23 Why you feel disconnected from life

    You don’t hear sounds. You hear the story your mind generates about those sounds. We’re all walking around in a conceptual overlay, and we’ve mistaken it for reality.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00You're Stuck in a Virtual Reality Without Realizing It
    2. 0:27What You See Vs What you Think About What You See
    3. 1:23Understanding the Ego-Mind as VR/AR
    4. 1:55Augmented Reality's Advantages (and Risks)
    5. 2:48Confusing ourselves with Our Mental Avatar (Ego)
    6. 3:43Why You Can't Just Remove Concepts (Ego Death)
    7. 4:42The Solution: From VR to Augmented Reality
    8. 5:28How to Become Aware Under the VR Headset (and Avoid the Trap
  10. 102:32 You’re living as a cartoon version of yourself

    Like playing a video game and forgetting you’re the person holding the controller, completely identified with the low resolution avatar on screen.

  11. 1112:23 Open loops are draining your energy

    That project sitting at 80 percent done costs more than you think. Closing it can boost your energy and your confidence as someone who finishes things.

    The open loop in this story became Less Than Three.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00Open Loops Cost You More Than You Realize, but there's hope.
    2. 1:11Zeigarnik Effect: What If You Never Close the Tab?
    3. 2:13Mental RAM, Open Tabs and Background Processes
    4. 4:14Compounding Loops: Compounding Problems
    5. 5:00The Bigger Cost: Identity
    6. 6:32Stack Wins-Compound Focus and Self Confidence
    7. 7:38Huge Cost: Your Work is Not Working For you… or anyone.
    8. 9:43Harmonize the Mind by Closing Open Loops
    9. 11:09Write Your List of All Open Loops
  12. 1229:14 A process to close the open loops that fragment your mind

    The concrete steps, the mindset shifts and the troubleshooting that helped me start finishing projects like never before.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00Open Loops Cost More than You Realize: Let's Close Them
    2. 0:47Patterns of Not Finishing Things
    3. 1:36Process Simplified vs Expanded Multi-Dimensional
    4. 4:38List with Tons of Open Loops: Where to Start?
    5. 6:42Step 1: Full List
    6. 7:07Step 2: Sort On Three Dimensions
    7. 8:08Dimension 1
    8. 9:27Dimension 2
    9. 10:17Dimension 3
    10. 11:26Step 3: Prioritize into 5 Buckets
    11. 14:47Step 4: Commit to One (the Right way)
    12. 16:21Step 5: Step After Step + Zoom Out & In
    13. 18:58Step 6: Tough Decisions
    14. 20:03Step 7: Finish Line Keeps Moving
    15. 22:45Troubleshooting Problems
  13. 1314:31 I struggled to finish projects my whole life. These mindset shifts changed everything.

    Seven shifts, from goals as systems to trusting the iterative process.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00Open Loops-Unfinished Projects & Tasks
    2. 1:15#1 Meta-Insight: Goals are Systems: Not Singular
    3. 2:02#2 Mindset Shift: Most Important Project?
    4. 3:32#3 Mindset Shift: Identity of Person Who Finishes
    5. 5:51#4 Mindset Shift: Calibrate the Context of What's "Good"
    6. 7:32#5. Micro-Perfectionism Blocks Global Progress
    7. 9:03#6. Trust in the Iterative Process
    8. 12:35#7. One Piece Cannot Represent Everything
    9. 13:26Integrate One Mindset Shift Into Your Actual Work
  14. 142:45 What if we stopped accepting this?

    Should we just keep accepting inner and outer fragmentation as normal? Harmony doesn’t mean no conflict, but learning to make differences weave together instead of clash.

    Chapters
    1. 0:00It's normal to us… but Strange AF
    2. 0:32Just accept it?
    3. 1:06Others Have Noticed This Too
    4. 1:24Harmony Teaches Us to Weave Together Different Motivations
    5. 1:48Root Issue: Fragmented Mind
  15. 1510:04 The paradox of “there is no try”

    When I first heard Yoda say it as a kid, I had a huge problem with it. Now I realize he was right. And I was also right.

The whole series on YouTube More on the way: the channel

Dear mind

Two letters to my own mind.

Not a technique. A reminder of the relationship I would like to have with it: the thinking mind as an incredible assistant, not the one in charge.

Dear subconscious mind,

I trust you to figure out what needs figuring out.
I trust you to work in the background, without me needing to see it all consciously.
I trust you will present me with what I need to be aware of, and only what I need to be aware of, at the right time.

Dear conscious thinking mind,

You can relax.
You don’t need to figure everything out.
You don’t need to create a constant stream of words.
You don’t need to talk through everything step by step.
You don’t need to generate a tidy narrative of what’s happening.
You don’t need to think through every possible scenario.
You don’t need to have an opinion about everything.
You don’t need to have a plan for every moment.
You don’t need to control the uncontrollable.
You don’t need to analyze every experience.
You don’t need an explanation for it all.
No need to micro-manage.

Trust the subconscious.
Trust awareness.
Trust us.

I need you focused and ready to get down to work sometimes.
I need you to help make concrete plans and coordinate details.
I need you to consolidate the cloud of concepts into a linear stream.
Sometimes.
Just at times.
I’ll say when.
When I say you can relax, relax.
It’s okay.
You don’t need to do it all.
You can’t anyway.
You’re part of a team.
We’re stepping up.
You just do your part.
You don’t have to be the leader all the time.
You’re actually… not really the leader at all.
You’re an incredible assistant.
Your perspective is invaluable, and we appreciate your insight.
Thank you for your efforts, but don’t overdo it.
Less is more.
We love you.

Dear thinking mind, after a stretch of intense concentration:

Thank you for your focus and hard work.
You can let it go for now.
It’s okay.
Let it go.
Trust the subconscious to chew on it for a while.
We’re ready to just notice what’s happening right now.
We’ll just hear sounds, see sights, feel feelings and such for a while.
We’ll listen to what other people have to say.
No need for an opinion on it all for now.
If you think you have something important to share you can discreetly slip me a note. (Please don’t come bursting in shouting.)
Enjoy your rest.
We’ll call you when we have updates.

Why this series

When I drill down to the deepest causes of our suffering, this is what I find.

The poor calibration and integration of the mind and ego seems to be the deepest cause I can find so far. So I invested six months to focus entirely on synthesizing insights from over fifteen years of closely observing my personal experience, to create this series.

This is a huge topic, and my understanding will certainly continue to evolve, but I felt deeply compelled to not wait any longer. I’m all in to explore this essential issue with you.

Harmonizing our minds isn’t about ignoring the world on fire. It’s about developing the calm clarity necessary to help put out the fire, rather than reactively fanning the flames.

This is the first foundational series of the multi-dimensional exploration of Harmonious Reality. I don’t have all the answers, but I feel like I’m asking the right questions. Not a guru, just a guy constantly learning things worth sharing.

Keep going

There is more to come.

Newsletter

Harmonious Reality

New episodes, essays and practices, sent when there is something worth sending. No noise.

Join the newsletter
Why it matters

Reasons for Hope in Humanity

Addressing a root cause can dissolve a whole web of surface level problems. It is one of my reasons for hope.

Read the reasons
Speaking

Talks and workshops

I’ve presented these ideas as a workshop at music festivals. Talks and workshops are open for booking.

Speaking